my year inadequately summed [a personal note]

This, this is just for me, for my collection, but I share it because maybe you’ll find something that clarifies some aspect of something you’ve read or feel inspired by something you see.

2014 has been a most incredible year, on so many levels.

When I consider the impact it has had on me already – and I do so knowing already I am too shortsighted to know just how much this year will change the rest of my life as that is yet to unfold – I think to myself, “I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to be.” Except, I realize, I didn’t have to “become” anything – I simply had to slow down what was just one big blur and simply start doing the things I wanted to. I didn’t “become the person I wanted to be,” I AM the person I wanted to be, I just let her breathe.

Events of last year gave me the freedom to do so. As much as I value the experience and memories, my separation/divorce was the biggest kickstart to my self-liberation. I could make decisions for myself without guilt, without concern for what sacrifices might need to be made, what might fall at risk.

At the same time, I was developing bonds and networking with people and ideas that would only inspire and encourage me on my path to flight. One of those was what became a truly spiritual bond that I could never justify in words, however talented I become in any language. If you have not experienced it, I can never make you understand with any novel, any essay, any twelve-step process or photobook.

I can tell you that you will not experience it until you begin to discover the truth about who you and what you are and what value you possess and what light your spirit holds. When you know this, when you start to touch on these very frighteningly powerful and vulnerable pieces of yourself, you are then able to share a truly spiritual connection with someone.

And every relationship after that changes. It becomes very easy – relieving, even – to let pass those with whom you cannot find that same depth. It will be something you can’t help doing – unconsciously, you’ll simply stop investing in anything less than those bonds that reach into the deepest parts of you: anything less will feel so frivolous. At risk? Well, in the end, this leaves with you no more than a handful of people (How a soloist celebrates the holidays, anyone?), if you are a lucky, but the connections with those few are worth the smiles and approving remarks of a million personal acquaintances.

So, I begin my summary of this past year with my most beautiful and significant experiences I will forever mark of 2014:

  • I fell madly, deeply, spiritually in love with myself
  • and with another spirit of equally wondrous beauty that so righteously complements mine.
  • I started this delightful self-publication of my thoughts and poetry (and have been well-received – thank you!);
  • I forgave the many that have hurt me in various ways in the past;
  • I kayaked in the ocean (Atlantic) (I had previously only done rivers and lakes);
  • I rode a paddleboat also in the ocean;
  • I’ve kissed my love in three different countries, on a mountaintop, in the ocean, under the sun, moon, and more stars than I can count;
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  • I earned my masters degree [in education] (first of several?);
  • I began journeys in learning Portuguese and kreyol;
  • Ink in my passport book (eight) has surpassed ink on my body (six, three of which I also picked up this year);

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  • dove into the ocean to meet a living starfish;
  • had drinks on the Green Gallows rooftop in New York and watched the sunset (before I even knew that was a big deal, haha);
  • stayed in a hostel in Santo Domingo that had a turtle that just roamed the lobby;

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  • listened to a beautiful jazz trumpeter doodle around in a classroom in Jacmel;
  • danced on a beach in Jacmel to a live twoubadou band;
  • woke up to the sound of roosters crowing in Port-au-Prince;
  • danced in a hotel restaurant with my love in Petion-ville;
  • landed at least five new publications and features of my poetry;
  • learned how to unconditionally love with my body;
  • began practicing capoeira and aerial silks;

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  • visited two new countries (and am ever accepting invitations to more!);
  • travelled by 8 buses, 2 trains, and 20 planes total, plus countless thrilling moto rides and taptap lifts;
  • added another state to my “lived in” list (Maryland);
  • sold my car (that baby was in my life 7 years);
  • took control of my health in so many ways, such as taking back my kitchen;

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stopped planning every step and learned how to slow down and breathe (and my god, were it not for this, how much I would not have experienced this year);

  • found faith in the universe;
  • reminded myself I’m always stronger than I think;
  • returned to many of my previously known self-fundamental truths and discovered many more;
  • regrounded myself in all the things that matter most in this life.
  • (plus one more bullet for all the millions of things I’ve experienced and cannot put into words here or am too currently overwhelmed by my already extensive list of blessings and associated memories to list them out)

10308270_10152068459326161_1421910552015312445_nYou get the point. None of this I would have without learning how to take time to reground myself in who and what I am, nor without the ever constant love and support of those with whom I have lifetime connections and even temporary ones. Even with those we are not destined to share ourselves spiritually, we are given the opportunity to expand our hearts, our minds, and our arms, and be received into theirs as well, and such privileges should not be mistaken as being unworthy for a lack of ability to transcend the physical limits. Receive what is given to you and be eternally grateful; love yourself; love others; live the life you want.

It takes risks and sacrifices and many moments of discomfort, but balanced by many more moments of love, enlightenment, and joy – and you’ll find that is exactly how life was designed for the human.


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